Got a toothbrush?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
