So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
