how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize