Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
