Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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