I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize