i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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