Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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