My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
