maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
