how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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