so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
