jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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