and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
