you guys were way drunker than both of me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
