It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
