1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
