Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
