I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
