he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
