I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
