so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
