Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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