Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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