my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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