I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
