wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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