I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
