He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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