3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm really busy with my period
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