Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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