Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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