I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
