I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
