don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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