people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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