i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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