It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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