I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
