Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
