Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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