I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
