Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
