Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
