In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
