My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
