He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
