I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
