the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
