TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize