We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
