why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
