he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
