The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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