I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize