i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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