we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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