i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
