Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
