yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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