you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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