Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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