We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you're hired as official boob wrangler
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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