I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
as a side note pls kill me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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