She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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