Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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