I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
