that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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