Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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